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1980 Cadillac Hearse - $6,000 (Missoula)

1980 Cadillac Hearse 1 thumbnail1980 Cadillac Hearse 2 thumbnail1980 Cadillac Hearse 3 thumbnail1980 Cadillac Hearse 4 thumbnail1980 Cadillac Hearse 5 thumbnail
condition: excellent
make / manufacturer: Cadillac
model name / number: Hearse
size / dimensions: 21'x7'x6'
If you overdose on Viagra, how do they close the coffin lid?! While I pose that question to my friendly neighborhood necrophiliac and probably get the silent treatment from her partner who refuses to move from the same spot he's been sitting in for the last year, I've got a car to die for. A serial killer's bloody wet dream on brand new rubber wheels.

Consider this description to be like a cemetery going out of business, so here's the makings of a good plot twist. It's a genuine meat wagon up for sale on the sick marketplace, the toe tag claims this dearly departed "Dead Sled" is a 1980 Cadillac Hearse with a grey complexion, cozy blue interior, marble faux flooring in the corpse compartment, unidentified fingerprints in suspicious places, brand new white wall tires, a driver's door that occasionally moans with the tune of rigor mortis, and plenty of leg, arm, and severed head room to lay back and open up a nice cold one. Trust me, not even Stevie Wonder's seen a hearse as nice as this sinister baby and when he does, it's no superstition, the dude won't be able to take his eyes off of it during a blind date, and neither will you.

Is the car safe to drive? Don't worry. You needn't take out a life insurance policy and put my name on it before you get behind the wheel of this death mobile with a veritable suicide wish cooking on the burners of your brain. Even a kamikaze pilot would be tempted to remove his helmet and say this once, "Hell yes, the beast is safe to drive". Matter of fact, this meat wagon operates off of bones and fossil fuel and it runs just as good as the day it was put into cold hard service with 60,000 odd body miles and a touch of blood spatter reading on the dashboard. What few small areas of rust and imperfections there are on the body, the voices in my head like to think of as character. The car is neither the casualty of war, nor wear. It's drop dead gorgeous. It really puts the fun in funeral.

So, in sipping some Folger's black death and taking my daily coffin break, I've decided to administer the last rites to one of my prized possessions that's taken several exorcisms to finally free me of this material attachment and offer it up for sale to the next spooky owner. Asking $6000 for the girl, or $5,999 dollars plus a buck. But if you have a better offer to shoot my way, take your best shot, give me your best deal, even if you have to re-hearse it first.

Seriously, don't let your first ride be your last, but don't be forced to hitchhike to your own damn funeral either. For a wise prophet once said, "when there is no more room in Hell, the dead will walk the Earth".

Get a hold of me if you're interested in the car or just want to have a seance, and we'll talk business and the supernatural. Until then, unpleasant dreams.

Disclaimer: No bodies were harmed during the making of this ad. I'm the mortician and I approve this message.

Shaun

post id: 7744696850

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